Less Than 60 Days

In less than 60 days, my life will make a big transition. I will become someone's wife and we will be on our own. It has been a long road for me to get here. In some ways l feel I am ready, and some ways I feel like I'm inexperienced. I really don't let the world into my personal business, but here is a look.

I have never been so stressed in my life until I started planning this wedding. At first, I didn't know where to start but I knew I had some time to plan because the wedding was a year and a half away from the date we got engaged, on my birthday November 18 2014. Then one of my fiancee's aunt said there was going to be a family reunion on a cruise ship. The dates of the cruise went along for the date we wanted to get married on. We thought that would be fun and decided to get married on the ship. We were saving up and then in August 2015 the craziest thing happen. The car that  I bought in 2013, from an accident, just broke down and there was nothing left to salvage. We were on the side of the road in the middle of the night, where it was pitch black and in the south. I was so scared when a police car rolled up because it took about 30 mins to get police on the phone. When we finally reached the police, we were barely off the phone before the police car arrived, plus I didn't know what to expect. We are in the times where police are killing us, African Americans, for no reason. The first thing my fiancee does is just walk up to the cop car. All I can think is, Jesus please don't let this policeman be trigger happy. To my relief, the policeman thought we were college students, kids, and tried to help us as much as he could. Eventually, all the money that we saved up had to go to a new car. We couldn't get married on the ship now, and plus the family cruise was cancelled.

So, by February 2016 we had to figure out if we were going to have a wedding at all. I got to the point where I was like, fuck this, let's just get married at the courthouse. But then, my mom felt bad and said she wanted me to have a wedding since I was her only biological child. So, we started planning with help from some of my friends. In the middle of planning, my great grandma, who was 105, passed away. I didn't cry as much because I knew she had lived a long life and she was going to a better place. I did start feeling extremely sad and feeling some type of way because I only have one grandparent left and she can't even talk. Planning had to be pushed back and the feeling of not wanting to have a wedding crept back into my mind. When I came back home from the funeral, I had to make a quick decision and the wedding was back on.

I reserved the hall with the quickness. But all the other vendors didn't call me back. I though that was strange because if you are a business and a potential client wants your business, I think it is a courtesy to call them back, even if you are booked to capacity. When I actually called the vendors back, one vendor said they had a meeting about my call but never called me back. So, eventually one hotel, one caterer, and Publix called me back. I just had a friend of mine who was a graphic designer, design the invitations. I just chalked everything up to it's a Charlotte thing and that everything is going to work itself out. It eventually is going to work out.

Anyway, the one thing that really took me for a loop is finding out who my real friends are. I lost a so called friend I had known for 30 years and who was going to actually help with planning the wedding. Apparently, this so called friend had a problem with me for years and didn't want to tell me because our families were close. We were so close I considered her my family. What you don't do, is tell Facebook about a misunderstanding and proceed to tell the world how bad a friend you think someone is to you. You have to remember it takes two to have friendship, though. I never once repaid her back because I wasn't raised to be that kind of woman and I know there is thing called Karma. I have felt so vulnerable that I have become an introvert when I'm usually a social butterfly. Now, that I'm blending families together the vulnerability became a little worse, but I'm working myself out of being an introvert.

So, as the days get closer to my wedding, I just left it up to God. I can't take the stress anymore and I was becoming a bitch. This is not me at all! I'm the happy go lucky chick, who loves to laugh, like a kid, and be positive. This is my first and last wedding. I am 34 just getting married and I'm so happy that I waited. I was able to live my life before I settled down. I have no regrets. This next level of life, I am praying will make be a better person than what I am now. This is my first time being someone's wife and this new venture is scary but also exciting. The people who come to the bridal shower and wedding are the people who love us and are supposed to be there. Now that I have gotten this off my chest, I feel so much better. Talk to you soon.

Relationships: The Good, The Ugly, & The Unconditional Vol. 1

 

On November 3, 2013, I published my first E-book on Amazon.com. It is a collection on 10 articles I wrote on my relationship column on Examiner.com: http://www.examiner.com/african-american-relationships-in-charlotte/tameika-carter. I have been going to radio shows to promote the book. Here are some of the shows  just in case you missed them:

1. Got Controversy:

     (1/4/2014)- http://www.blogtalkradio.com/gotcontroversy/2014/01/04/abuse-why-is-it-accepted-and-tolerated-by-women

      (1/6/2014)- http://www.blogtalkradio.com/gotcontroversy/2014/01/06/teach-me-how-to-love-you

2. Spirit Soul Radio:

      (1/9/2014)- http://www.blogtalkradio.com/diandrasmith-hall/2014/01/09/relationships-the-good-the-ugly-the-unconditional-with-tameika-carter

3. Stilettos in the City:

      (1/14/2014)- http://www.blogtalkradio.com/stilettosincity/2014/01/14/relationship-author-tameika-carter

4. This Needs To Be Said:

      (1/17/2014)- http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thisneedstobesaid/2014/01/17/relationship-round-table-with-stephan-labossiere

Now that you have heard what is in the book, don't forget to go and buy the book on Amazon, now! http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_16?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=relationships+the+good+the+ugly+%26+the+unconditional&sprefix=relationships+th%2Caps%2C271&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Arelationships+the+good+the+ugly+%26+the+unconditional.

Until next time, continue to love one another! 

Interracial Relationships

Join us today at 1pm http://www.blogtalkradio.com/meika10 for our discussion of Interracial Relationships. If you want to voice your opinion during the discussion please call in @ (646) 716-7273 or email theycallmemscarter18@yahoo.com or chat with me during the conversation or just reply to this post.

So, let's start the conversation. In America race is a big issue in society. There are many stereotypes of each race that other races believe or assume are true about  a certain race. So, marrying outside your race was a taboo subject and law until the 1967 Supreme Court decision that miscegenation laws were unconstitutional. Now a day, 8.4% of marriages in America are of interracial couples compared to the 3.2% in 1980. Interracial marriages and relationships are not taboo but a rarity, but each passing year its less of a rarity.

Do you agree with an interracial relationship? Or Do you oppose? Or Do you have don't care at all? Please let me know. I hope to see you on the air waves at 1pm.

Living Life

So, I have been on hiatus for a few months now and I have learned so much in this time. The first thing I learned was love can come when you aren't expecting it. In July, I was in a close friend's wedding and I loved being there to support her. I also loved seeing the tremendous love her family, her fiancee', and her finacee's family had for her. I was so excited to see her getting married because she had been through much and I just loved to see her happy. In the back of my head I was thinking, I want to have someone that loves me tremendously.

In August, I made one of the biggest and best decisions of my life. I decided to have heart surgery again because there was blue blood being blocked. I was so tired of having to stay in the bed half the day because I have a bad sinus or migraine headache. I was so tired of always having to catch my breath. I just wanted to be breathe normally and not get tired easily. I couldn't take anymore of the black outs because I have physically hurt myself because of them. So, on August 8, 2011 I had my 5th and last heart surgery. This time, they didn't have to open my chest up and I was able to recover faster. I'm now breathing at 95-100%. This was the first time I made the decision by myself, usually it would be my parents. What sacrifices they have made for me. I appreciate all their opinions and now I'm on the road of being able to take care of myself.

September, I found out who my true friends were. August was the month I found love and September was the test of it. I found myself in love with one of a girl friend's (at the time) ex. He and I were friends before, but we became the best of friends when I found out he had moved to North Carolina. I love the relationship we have because he is actually in love with me and not the concept of me. At first my  girl friend was cool with it, until some people questioned her about it. First off, the so called friend and my cutie were ex's for a while. Secondly, I talked to her woman to woman about the whole situation. Thirdly, if she was my true friend, she wouldn't have gone behind my back and lied to look like a victim so people can feel sorry for her. I was truly hurt because we were friends for so long and she treated me like I was garbage.

All through the loving, recovery, and hurt I learned I have become a better and stronger person. I have so much confidence in myself, where before I had very low self-esteem. I learned to just take one day at a time. If you are going to worry, don't pray. Even though I no longer have a certain friendship, my life still goes on and I'm loving every moment of it!

Is Chivalry Dead?

A few weeks ago I went on a date and I thought it was ok. Let me tell you what happened. So, on a Saturday night I hung out with this guy at the movies and he ended up paying for my ticket, which was nice. After the movies, we just sat and talked, just having fun. On Sunday, we went to brunch, but it was a little weird.

First off, I'm small and he had an suv. Instead of helping me into the suv, he watched me slide out of the suv. Laughed and said, "You have to be careful." Really? Then he drove all the way to the restaurant without his wallet. He said, "I can't find my wallet." Come on! I just paid for the meal because not only did he not have his wallet, but I wanted him to know I can take of myself.

To me, I think chivalry is dead. I don't see any men opening doors for women. Just because we say that we are independent, doesn't mean you treat us as though we don't need any help. I also see how men talk to me women. For example, a guy sees a woman/girl and says, "Hey shawty. Come here!" WTF?!? Are we your pets? Don't call me over like I'm your dog and don't look at me like I'm the last piece of meat on earth that you want to devour. Show some class.

In my mother's day, the men courted the women. They took time to talk to the woman, spit their game, and took care of their women. Now a day, some men can't wait to jump in bed with you. If you don't sleep with some men on their time, they automatically stop being nice to you and call you a bitch.

Now, I know there are a hand full who are men of chilvary. But where are they? They are either taken or gay. Maybe I'm wrong or maybe I'm not. Tell what do you think.

Did God Program Men to Cheat?

A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with one of my guy friends. He said even though he has a girlfriend and a beautiful baby, he has this inkling to want to sleep with more women. He said God made him want to cheat and that maybe we aren't supposed to be with one person our whole lives. My first response was, "Wow! I didn't know God would make anyone want to cheat on their significant other?" But this is what I told him:

"God did not make us to be pimps or whores. He did not make us to want to indulge with many sexual partners. It is us, who do not have self-control. We are so into, we have to have the best of everything, even have the baddest and best men/women on our arms. Sex is not meant to be game of who can get the most points and the most number of people."

I'm so tired of people making excuses for why they cheat. It is not right to cheat. If you do not want to be in the relationship anymore, just say it. I'm sure your mate will be hurt a little by you telling the truth, but will be devastated if you stay and make the cheating your mate's fault. People just need to take more responsibility for their actions.

By the end of our conversation, my guy friend realized he was to blame for wanting to sleep with more women. I'm not sure if he cheated or not, but I hope he didn't. I think everyone has their own flaws and we have our own temptations. We have God to help us not to indulge in our temptations. God did not program us to cheat! God programed us to be monogamous people.

Do you think God program men (man and woman) to cheat? Let me know your opinion. Thanks!

Diary of a Tired Black Man

This weekend, since I have netflix, I saw this documentary called Diary of a Mad Black Man. It stars the fine ass Jimmy Jean-Louis. This is the black man's Waiting to Exhale. I found it very interesting. The whole point of the documentary was to show everyday people different scenes, from the view point of a black educated man, of how some black men are treated in reationships and get their reactions. When I saw the scenes for myself, I see why some of these men are angry and they date outside of their race.

Here are a few of the scenes I can remember from the movie:
Scene#1: This educated man is married to a black woman who doesn't work, but takese care of the child and home. She gets up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and sees his underwear on the floor. She gets mad and wakes him up to have an argument about how he needs to learn how to put his underwear in the hamper.

• Is she crazy?


• Doesn't he have to wake up in a few hours to go to work?


• Why have an unnecessary argument just for the sake of arguing?

What would you have done in this situation?

Scene #2: The wife has her friends over for some girl time. The whole time she is bashing her husband because she feels he isn't man enough for her. She is over exaggerating the things he so called does because she has a leash on him. Then she goes on and tells her friends that if they don't have their men in check, they are going to lose them. Its like him against her.

• In the marriage, isn't it supposed to be a team?


• What is the point of bashing your husband in front of your friends?


• Why give your friends the wrong information about marriage?

What would you do in this situation?

Scene #3: So, the arguing for no apparent reason and the degrading caused the black married couple to divorce. So, he comes over with a white woman to come and pick up his child. The ex-wife and her friends meet him at the door to cuss him out and tell him he is a 'no good nigga.' So, he proceeds to tell them that he was a good husband but his wife was so selfish that she didn't realize it. She still lives in the house that he bought and he still pays the morgage and child support. He also cares so much about his child that he comes and picks her up.

Now, what would you have done in this situation?

I was shown how some men feel when they are treated wrongly by a woman. I'm glad that this is out in the open. If you get a chance. you should rent this movie. Please let me know your thoughts. I would love to know. Thanks!

Staying in Crazy Marriages

So, I'm 28 yrs old and I get asked these questions all the time, "How come you aren't married? and When are you going to have kids?" Ummmm.....why are people asking so many questions? and why are they trying to get into my business? What they really need to do is just stop worrying about what I'm doing and worry about their own lives. But the questions still urk me.

What really gets under skin, is when the people who are in terrible marriages judge me for not being in a terrible marriage like them. Its like they want me to go insane everyday of my life. I thought marriage was supposed to be a sacred, uplifting, and beautiful part of life. I didn't know that you had to live like you are about to pull your hair out all the time. Has our world got to the point where marriages are just a joke?

As I was growing up, I was exposed to different relationships. One type of a relationship I saw was were the couple was married for a long time, but they only stayed together because of the children and old society ways were all they knew. They cuss, scream, and degrade one another and then 20 minutes later they are all lovey dovey. WTF? Everything was split down the middle as far as bank accounts and paying bills. This type of relationship would make me either want a divorce or just walk away from it all together. I mean what is the point of being married if you don't trust your spouse.

The second kind of relationship I saw was the common law marriage. This is when people stay together for a long period of time, but don't have a marriage license. You know it is really up to the people in the relationship to either get married or not. The third kind of of relationship I saw was a marriage where people are loving, caring, uplifting, trusting, and working together for their family. Not to say the common law marriage couple didn't do the same.

If I ever get married, I want a healthy marriage. Screaming and yelling is not only unnecessary but it takes too much time, effort, and energy that I don't have or don't even want to spend. If I choose to have kids, then that is mine and my husband's decision. If I don't have kids, that's our choice too. I'm going to be happy with how I live my life and not please others. Just because I don't have kids or have the option not to have any, doesn't mean something is wrong with me or I'm a bad person. It just means what every happens in my life is meant just for me. What do you think?

Spiritual Relationship

Many of you know I lost one of my grandmas last month. Since she has been gone, I have been thinking and looking over all the things I have done in my life. I have been wondering if I would be ready when God calls me home. To me, I don't think I would be ready right now. I have had many conflicts with God.

For one, I have a medical problem since I was born and I have been through hell and back. I'm 28 yrs old and the first 25 yrs of my life, I have been in and out of the hospital. When I was young, I had thought that either God hated me or I did something in another lifetime to be in this tremendous physical pain. I was raised in the church, but no one really accepted me because I was so sick. And in return, I had rebelled towards God. Everyone rebels.

As I have matured and got older, I have realized that God gave me a medical problem for a reason. It saved me from myself. I learned how not to judge people and accept any creed and color. I was saved from being around the wrong crowd growing up and I never ever was a troubled kid. I had a great childhood. But I struggle everyday with nightmares and flashbacks. People have done me wrong, but my family has always been there for me no matter what.

My family and I have had this conversation about being ready and what will happened when I get to the pearly gates. I think I will be in the line, but Peter will say, "Ummm...Tameika, can you step to the side for a few minutes? We have somethings we need to confirm." I know God will have a laugh with me and about me. He will be shaking his head while laughing. I want to be ready when God calls me. Will you?

Dating

I want to address a topic that gets under my skin. I have had this conversation of how some black men have decided not to date black women at all. Then I think back to what Wesley Snipes said in an interview. To sum it all up, Wesley made a statement saying that he will never date Black women again because they are too loud and ghetto. WTF? Like he his the nerve to talk about someone. Then another black man I talked to said that to him it applies to Hispanic women, too.

Well, I'm a 28 year old African-American/Black woman and I want to know what do these men mean by ghetto? Is it that black and Hispanic women don't take some black men shit and these bitch ass men can't man up? Or is that they have meet their match and they can't take the heat? Or is it that they would rather be lied to than have someone tell them the truth? Or is it they want someone to kiss their ass?

I'm tired of hearing how Black women are labeled as whores, bitches, and gold diggers. Even if we are educated and decided to date a man who is equally educated as us, then we are labeled as a gold digger. If we go out on many dates to figure out what we want in a man, but not have sex with every guy, we are labeled as whores. If we fly off the handle in a heated discussion or an argument and not agree with everything a man says, then we are labeled bitches.

Today, talking to one of my guy friends, he told me how many Black men in his financial firm will not even think twice about not dating a Black or Hispanic woman. They are too afraid of not having a great background check and want to be able to get into a country club.

Look, I have no problem with anyone dating outside their race, I just want Black women to stop getting a bad rep. What makes me really mad at the situation is that some black men will never give a black woman a chance, even though they were raised by a black woman. They are so obessed with how society sees them and I feel sad for them. The other thing that angers me too, is when a black woman is with a black man for a long period of time and once that man gets fame, he drops his black woman like she was nothing. This black woman helped this man to get him where he is and she sacrificed some her dreams for him.

The one thing I'm proud of is how Barack Obama is so much in love with his wife Michelle. Mrs. Obama is showing the world that black women and every woman of color is worth more than gold. I pray and hope some black men will stop judging and take a black woman out.

Two Sides To Every Story

One of my pet peeves is when people meet you for the first time and they say they don't like you because what their friend said about you. WTF? Does anyone have a mind these days or do we just go with the flow so we can feel accepted? We should try to get to know a person because we want to and not because we hear a one sided story.

Many people I have met for the first time haven't wanted to get to know me because of what their friend say about me. I have a friend that is a mutual friend of one of my ex-boyfriends. The guy and I started to become good friends until my ex-boyfriend decided to get jealous of the friendship. So, in order for my ex-boyfriend to the friend not talk to me, he decides to tell the friend what he felt I did wrong in the relationship to make it go sour. What an idiot!

First off, I really do not like my business to be out there. Secondly, I'm not the only one that did something wrong. It takes two people to make up a relationship. Thirdly, I appreciate how he decided to tell the friend all the negatives I did in the relationship.

Now, the friend doesn't really talk to me anymore. When we do talk, its very short with one worded answers to questions. Sometimes I feel like yelling, "I'm not such a bad person. You should know my side of the story." I feel at times, I never get a chance to defend myself. My ex is no angel. I just feel a little sad for losing a friend over dumb stuff, but in reality that friend was never real. A real friend will be friends with you no matter what anyone says.

Thanks for letting be rant and vent. Lata